Because most people identify communication with the written and oral word, they often feel that they are not communicating. But this is not the case at all. We are always communicating. People communi­cate through body language, facial expressions, gestures, mannerisms and even silence. Our ability to communicate shows just as much in what we do not say as in what we do say.

In some cultures, considerable emphasis is placed on non-verbal communication. The Japanese have a word for this: “harrigay”. Derived from two other Japanese words, “harra” meaning stomach and “gay” meaning art, “harrigay” is the art of getting inside another person and trying to understand them with little use of the spoken word. A person is responsible not only for what they say, but for what the other person understands through gestures, mannerisms, expressions, body language, and others.

If you are having problems com­municating with others, the first thing you must understand and accept is that YOU are responsi­ble for others not understanding you. More than likely it is the way you come across and the way you nonverbally communicate to other people. All family problems, business communication prob­lems, individual misunderstandings and even wars are rooted in our inability to understand another’s point of view. So let us begin by recognising the fact that we cannot change others, but we can change our attitudes towards them.

Communication is a delivery system for our attitudes. The way we express ourselves is an outward manifestation of what we are thinking inside. Longfellow wrote, “A single conversation across the table with a wise person is better than a ten-year study of books.”

One of the greatest problems that threaten any marriage occurs when both partners have not learned how to communicate with each other. Most failures in busi­ness are not really business failures, but people failures. People just fail to communicate. Almost every study shows that employees view a good manager as one who can communicate with them.

Each one of us is a manager. You may be managing a business, family, job, education or a friend­ship. To be successful, each of these requires positive communi­cation.

Listen! Listen! Listen!

Nothing is more important in communications than listening. Developing a listening skill will prove that you are smart. We all feel that anyone who has the good sense to listen to what we have to say must be a good friend. Listen­ing has become a lost art. Notice when you are talking most people cannot wait for a pause so that they can begin talking. They really do not hear you. They are too busy rehearsing what they are going to say next.

Listening is by far the most vital characteristic of good communica­tion, but it is also the most ignored. A large portion of our lives was spent in learning to read, write and talk, but no time is spent in learn­ing the art of listening. Most of us just want to talk, and if people do not listen, we get very upset.

In order to be a good listen­er, you must want to be a good listener. Each person with whom you come into contact must be made to feel important. The point is that all people are important and you should let them know this by listening to them. By wanting to be a good listener, you will find out how fascinating people are. People you may have taken for granted or considered insignificant suddenly become interesting. Indeed, there are no uninteresting people, only disinterested listeners.

Self-absorption

This is a simple fact of human nature. We have feelings, emotions, pride and anxieties. But so does everyone else. In order to develop positive communications, we have to take an interest in other people. It is not necessary to be clever, make smart remarks, tell great stories or prove how intelligent we are. What is necessary is that our approach be sincere.

Remember – communication is a two-way situation. Someone has to talk and someone listens. You will not be able to get people to listen unless you first get their attention. And you will not get their attention until you talk about something that interests them. What interests peo­ple most is themselves. They want to discuss what they have done, what they plan to do, where they have been and what has happened to them.

A frequent and disastrous mis­take in the art of communication is to stereotype people and talk to them on that basis. Some people automatically assume that all a woman wants to discuss is home, recipes or babies. But this is often far from the truth. The smart thing to do is to try to discover the inter­ests of the person with whom you are conversing.

Next to talking about them­selves, people like to give their opinions. It is amusing how they will discuss things they know absolutely nothing about. Very few people will admit to not having an opinion. Rather, they will create one, right there on the spot. But while this opinion may be way off base, it is important to let them express it. You will never win a friend by disagreeing with some­one’s opinion.

In order of importance, the next thing people like to talk about is OTHER PEOPLE. They derive real pleasure from this. Sometimes what they say about others has no basis in fact but again, they are entitled to express themselves. The trick is to point out the good qual­ities of the person being discussed without taking exception to what is being said. While no minds may be changed, this tactic switches the conversation onto a more pleasant and positive level.

Keep the conversation centered on the other person. Wait until he asks about you. This will only be when he is ready to listen; after you have given him a chance to first tell you about himself. When you do talk about yourself, it should not be to draw attention to you, but to tie your interest in with those of the person with whom you are conversing.

Words have creative power, the same power as the thoughts that go into shaping our consciousness. As we are always communicating our thoughts, it goes without saying that these should be positive.

On those occasions when you do not feel well, avoid the tendency to complain. If you are a habitual complainer, this is your way of get­ting attention and sympathy. Com­plain often enough and people will begin to avoid you because no one wants to associate with someone who makes them feel nauseated. Besides affecting others, you will make yourself sicker by program­ming your subconscious through constant repetition. “Never tell anyone your troubles. Half the people do not care, and the other half are glad you have them.”

Talk about things that inspire others. Let them know how you enjoy life, and watch them respond. A person who sends out positive vibrations attracts people like a magnet.

Positive conversation also includes learning to keep secrets. You will gain the confidence of people in direct proportion to your ability to be discrete. Learn to say only those things you want to have repeated. If you use this approach, you will discover that your comments will automatically include only positive, constructive, optimistic observations. The bur­den of holding someone’s atten­tion, whether it be an audience or an individual, falls on you. No one will pay attention to what they do not understand.

By helping others build their self-esteem and making them feel comfortable and secure, they be­come more relaxed and friendlier. In order to think well of others, you must first think well of your­self. Knowing what pleases you and increases your self-confidence provides some excellent clues as to how you can make others feel self-confident. “When we look at our world and see God and good in everything and everyone, our world looks back at us with the same attitude.”

BY CAPT SAM ADDIAH (RTD)